I’m visiting my grandmother at her new “apartment” in the seniors residence. It’s a 10 minute walk away from my house. I’m glad I can bring my girls to see her. Seeing them always seems to make her smile. I feel like I’m presenting the baby like an offering. Look, grandma, I brought you something – my daughter. It’s a little awkward, but I’m glad I can brighten up her day. I know she’s not happy to be here, that she wishes she were still in her home, but she needs the extra care and attention that she now has on call.
My dad is there visiting with us. He has just taken the three year old downstairs to the the dining room in search of a cookie. I sit on the couch across from my grandmother, holding my eight month old baby in my arms. My grandmother is lying in bed, propped up with pillows. She hasn’t had much to say this visit. She answers direct questions, “Yes.” or “No.”, and that’s about it. Still she seems happy we’re there. She beams at me from across the room. The baby is fussing around and tugging at my shirt. I start to nurse her. I hunt in my mind for things to say.
I know after her first child was born my grandmother was ill, and in the hospital for a long time, so my aunt would have to have been raised on formula. But what about her two younger children. Did she nurse them I wonder? So I ask her, “Grandma, did you nurse your babies?”
She looks sad for a moment and says “I don’t remember”. It’s the most she’s said to me all day. “I don’t remember.” I think it’s one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard.
My dad returns with his crumb covered granddaughter in tow. Hugs are exchanged. We bundle up and head home.
That night I sit in a dark room, rocking my baby, nursing her and holding her close while tears stream down my face. Could I ever forget this? Tiny body pressed close to me, sleepy, cuddly , warm. Could I forget this? Yawning, smiling little face, nursing, tugging at me. I don’t ever want to forget this. Sitting in the darkness, rocking in our chair, flute music playing softly on the radio. I don’t ever want to forget this.
I had this sitting here, mostly written and ready to go for over a month now. Then my grandmother passed away today and I felt that what I needed to do this afternoon was finish this up and post it.
I will miss you Grandma Rose.
I'm so sorry for your loss, D. My thoughts are with you and your family.I don't think you will ever forget nursing your sweet babies. With formula and bottles so readily available and being pushed on to consumers these days, you as a mother have to make the conscious decision to breastfeed, and experience all the challenges, triumphs, and everything else that comes with it. It's a bond between mom and babies that is too precious to ever get lost. 🙂
Hello my dear, my prayers and thoughts are with you and your family for your lost.Thank you so much for taking the time to comment on my post about my mom's loss, it brought tears to my eyes. I'm not yet in peace (The holidays are terrible for those things, remembering the ones we love that passed).But this also shall pass, I know she's with me as you will feel your grandmother will nurse you.Love to youxoxo
I'm so sorry for your loss. This was a lovely post that brought a tear to my eye.
I can barely write this because the tears are streaming down my face. I lost my grandfather in September and it is always hard to lose someone you love. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Faith at homeecathome.com
It is sad when someone say "I can't remember." We're experiencing this with my mother-in-law, a woman who used to remember incredible details. All the best as you go through these challenging times.
You made me cry. I know I gave you twitter love yesterday but I didn't have a chance to read the post until today. It is an amazing reminder to live in the moment we have and cherish our time on earth. Thank you for sharing.
Rochelle, Seeker, Erin, Faith,… Thank you.I always worry when I post personal stuff that it’ll scare folks off. I appreciate that you took the time to comment. It means a lot to me. Faith — I’m sorry that you lost your Grandfather. I don’t know if I should apologize that my post made you cry, or say thank you.
Hi. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful post. I'm so sorry for your loss.My youngest is 7 now, and sometimes I forget those nights of snuggling and nursing in the hustle of having only older children. I never thought I'd say it, but I miss the babies. Just a bit. Not the diapers or the spit-up, but the sweet baby faces and feet and the cuddling with blankies. Thank you for reminding me to write those memories down before they are gone forever.
Hi, I am Stumbiling on you from http://www.madamedeals.com
So sorry for your loss. I am sure where your grandmother is now she will remember everything and smile while thinking about it.
I am sorry to hear about your granddaughter. It is very sad that she could not remember her babies care. She probably was sad that she could not remember. I am sure she enjoyed your visits with your children. Hugs.