Connecting with my tween-aged daughter is a top priority for me. I tell myself, almost daily, that if I can build strong connections with her now then maybe those teenage years won’t be so bad. (Conversely, I also constantly tell myself, if I can’t make it through a few eye rolls, the occasional “I hate you!” and the sporadic “you don’t know anything” temper tantrums now, then how the heck am I going to survive life with a teenager?)
I want open communication with my kids. This is my number one parenting goal. I don’t want them to hide things from me, or dread talking with me. When they screw up I want to hear about it from them, not from someone else stepping in to tell me that my child has done something wrong. I just want them to know they can talk to me, always. I think that’s something most parents want.
So, this is my daily goal — to connect with my kids. For my nine year old I have adopted this three pronged approach that I thought I’d share with you today; Be Involved, Experience Media, and Communicate Creatively.
1. Be Involved in What Your Child Is Interested In
Take an interest in whatever your children are passionate about. Be a part of their hobbies. Art? Science? Dinky cars? Robots? Whatever it is let them invite you into that world.
For example, my daughter is banjo obsessed. I don’t give two figs about banjo, but I want to be a part of whatever she loves. Basically, I think sharing a hobby is a great way to connect with your kids. While I am not about to learn to play the banjo, I am learning ABOUT banjo, about the types of banjos, and the music styles. I nod enthusiastically when she comes home from her music lessons and wants to tell me all about the history of stringed instruments, or the difference between this plucking style and that. And I spent three days in Michigan last month so that I could take my daughter to her idea of heaven on earth, a banjo convention. I also try and involve her in some of my hobbies, like for example playing complex board games. Anything that gives us common ground and shared experiences is a win in my book.
Sometimes when your kids are younger the things that they are interested in are, well, childish. It feels like “little kids stuff” that you don’t want or need to be involved in. However, I always hold this quote in mind.
My hope is that little connections over little things now will grow into big connections over big things later.
2. Experience the Media that Your Kid Consumes
Watch the TV shows your kids watch. Read the books they are reading. Listen to the CDs they are listening to. In short, share with them the experience of consuming the media that they love best.
Now I don’t mean stalking your kids, or micromanaging what media they consume. Overall I give my kids parameters for what they are allowed to read, watch or listen to, and then let them make their own choices within those parameters (like for example they are free to pick anything from within the kids’ section of Netflix).
What I mean is finding what they like best and experiencing it with them. For me, this means watching plenty of episodes of My Little Pony and Teen Titans Go! I kind of can’t stand Teen Titans, but I sit and watch it with my girl because she assures me that it is “the best!”. I’ve also found myself laying on my daughter’s bed listening to a CD of banjo music and asking her about her favourite tracks.
In turn, I try and get her hooked on the media that I enjoy. I lend her copies of my favourite books and CDs, and coerce her into watching the kids shows I think rock, like Voltron (it was an easy sell, and now one of her fav shows).
Again, it’s just all about common ground and shared experiences, and as I said above, I feel like sharing media with them now, while they are little, helps lay the groundwork for sharing more adult subject matter as they get older.
3. Find Creative Ways to Communicate With Your Tween
Sometimes words are hard. Having real life conversations is important, but finding other ways to communicate is good too. You need to find the right fit for you and your kid. I know, for example, that some people have the best conversations with their tweens or teenagers by texting them, while others like to leave notes in their kids’ lunch boxes.
I started one of those joint Mom/Daughter diaries with my daughter. You know, where you take turns writing back and forth to each other? I bought a blank diary, and we came up with a system. She writes to me and leaves the journal sitting on top of my laptop. I write to her and leave it laying on her bed. In between conversations, it’s got a prized spot up on top of her dresser, where either of us can grab it anytime we have something to say.
This Mother-Daughter book has turned out to be the sweetest, most fun, thing ever. Based on the conversations we’ve had so far, I think this book is going to be a treasure to keep and look back on.
Overall, I feel like if I can get her to talk to me about those “silly little things” now, it will help keep the lines of communication open when she is older. I really feel like these tween years, as her personality and passions are developing, is the time to lay the groundwork and build connections and lines of communication, so that she will, hopefully, continue to come to me with her troubles, heartaches, bright ideas, and exciting moments, as she grows older.
What about you folks? How do you connect with the tweens and teens in your life?
 | I am part of the Netflix Canada #StreamTeam. Which means they sponsor me to write posts like this one. However, as you guys know, my words and opinions are always my own. |
What a fantastic post with great advice. I’m very close to my kids and we have a lot of fun together. Many can’t say THAT about their teens!
You are doing all the right things, keep at it!
Thanks so much for the kind words, Margarita (and if you’re having fun with your teenaged kids, then you are probably doing something right! 😀 )
I am the mother of a tween who’s 11 and read this article with interest. First of all, thanks for writing about tweens. I find a big black hole of mommy bloggers writing about tweens and teens. Plenty of babies, toddlers, and pre-schoolers, but once those school-age years hit there’s crickets. And this is a time where we need a lot of help and advice as parents too, for so many reasons! I agree with being involved in what your child is interested in. My daughter has gone through various obsessions over the years that I have tried to nurture by getting her books about them, researching them, finding online communities about them, etc. For instance in the last couple of years she has been obsessed with reading all of the “Warriors” cats books…now she is way into the “Wings of Fire” dragons series. She is all in, not only does she read all the books but she also makes up plenty of games and activities about them, and even quizzes ME about the characters, stories, etc. I haven’t read them myself but from everything she talks about them I feel like I know them. It’s not something I am personally interested in but I enjoy nurturing her interests. I know she will probably move on to something else eventually.
Ha. My daughter JUST told me about the Warriors cats books yesterday, as she has been reading them at the school library. Her description was pretty intriguing, I am totally looking for them next time we’re at the library so I can take a read too.
I have a theory to explain the crickets — I think as our kids get older we feel less comfortable sharing their private stories online. For me, I am mindful in what I do choose to share, and sometimes ask my older daughter’s permission before posting. I am always aware that her classmates could potentially read anything I post. It’s a tightrope walk. I know some bloggers chose not to write about their kids as they get older. Personally, I chose to share, because YES the tween years aren’t always a picnic, and it’s not like once our kids hit school age that all of our parenting dilemmas are magically solved.
A marvellous read, boy did this take me back to the many years when my kids were going through the teen years. There were seven of them so it was a very long period, or seemed so at the time. Some were more difficult as teens than others, as always each child is different and has to be handled differently. Being interested in what your teen is doing/reading/hobbies etc is very important, it’s one way of connecting. I also found that playing games with them was another good one, watching movies together too.
Thank you for the article. I believe Listening is so important in any relationship.
This was a great post and that quote is so true!! I totally love your joint Mom/Daughter diaries, that is so awesome and a great way to connect with each other as well!!
My daughter is grown up but love the shared diary idea! But can’t imagine going to a Banjo convention lol!
Amazing love it , thanks for sharing , my kids are grown up , but i will pass this info to my Daughter Inlaw 🙂