My mom had all three of her children by c-section. The sight of the dark scar running vertically down her belly used to fill me with disgust and dread. I had this irrational fear of having a c-section myself. I can’t really explain it. That’s the thing about irrational fears, they’re not rational. For many years my fear kept me from seriously considering childbirth.
When I was pregnant with my first child, the fear of a c-section was constantly on my mind. I had gestational diabetes, because of this there were concerns that the baby would be extra large. As the end of my pregnancy approached the O.B. wanted to discuss a scheduled c-section. I refused to even consider the idea. When he later insisted on an induction, I was reduced to tears. I had heard the stats. I knew that an induction increased my chances of further interventions or complications. I was paralyzed with fear that it would lead to a cesarean birth. I fought against it every step of the way. Eventually, after a partial induction, I managed to give birth naturally to my first daughter. I was elated. I felt like a superhero. I was also immensely relieved. I had escaped. Made it through childbirth without the dreaded c-section. My fears were laid to rest.
When I was pregnant with my second child I decided to prevent any arguments with the O.B. by going with a midwife instead. I didn’t give a cesarean birth any serious thought. I figured I was in the clear. Then my water broke and based on the fact that I was strep b positive and I wasn’t in active labour, the midwife insisted on an induction. I fought it, but not as hard as I could have, because it was so last minute. I was blind-sided. I explained to her that I didn’t want an induction because I knew it increased my chances of a c-section. She insisted. She told me I could go with her advice, or cease to be under her care. She would transfer me to the care of whatever doctor was on call and head home. I felt like I had no options. After stalling as long as I could, I let her put me on the pitocin drip. Then it turns out, once you’re hooked up to the IV, additional fetal monitoring is required. The portable monitor was on the fritz and kept cutting out. I ended up strapped down to a bed with constant monitoring. The monitor had to be held just so. If I moved at all it would cut out. This was exactly the situation I knew I needed to avoid.
Everything went to hell. All of my worst fears were confirmed. After a dozen hours of labour, I made to it the active pushing phase and the baby’s head was crowning…. and then the monitors cut out. They couldn’t find the babe’s pulse. I was rushed down to the operation room. I was told that they were bringing me there “just in case” and that once we got there I would be allowed to push more.
Once we were in the operation room, everything just happened. My midwife, my husband, they weren’t even in the room with me. I was surrounded by a bunch of strangers in blue masks. I was deep in labour and trying to breathe through the contractions. Just trying to get through. If you’ve ever been in labour I think you’ll understand that you can’t really converse. I was just grunting and breathing and trying to hold myself together. Terrified for the baby. People kept telling me not to push. To hold still. Sign this. Don’t move while we give you this epidural. Sign here. And then the doctor asked me if I’d like him to tie my tubes since he’d be in there anyway. My husband and I had discussed the fact that once this babe was safely born we would be done having children, and he would get a vasectomy. I thought my husband would be happy, as I’d be saving him from having it done. I was so very tired from not sleeping the night before. From hours of labour. I was terrified. I was shaking. I told the doctor to go ahead and do it. I signed yet another paper. My hands shaking so badly that my signature was completely illegible.
I remember one of the first things the midwife said to me in the recovery room is, “Oh I’m so sorry, and here you didn’t want an induction because you were afraid of a c-section…” She assured me it was all for the best, as my babe was perfectly healthy, and she made some remarks about how I managed to get a two for one deal by having my tubes tied while I was cut open to remove the babe. I wanted to slap her, to punch her. Instead, I smiled and nodded and didn’t say anything that wasn’t polite and banal.
I was so ANGRY and lost after my second child’s birth. Recovering from the c-section was horrible. I had all manner of complications. The incision became infected. I had problems with extreme, unending, migraine like headaches – a side effect from the epidural. I also regretted agreeing to the tubal ligation. I don’t think that is something that should be decided on the spur of the moment. Nor something that should be asked of someone who is currently not in her right mind.
I was so relieved when the baby came out perfectly fine. But here’s the thing. she was perfectly fine. As far as I could tell from everyone I spoke to afterward, there was no need for the c-section. They panicked when the monitors cut out, so they erred on the side of caution and operated. Turns out she wasn’t in any sort of distress, and I should have been able to have a normal birth. But I didn’t. I had a c-section. My scar is small and discrete compared to my mother’s. It runs horizontally along the edge of my panty line. In all probability, no one will ever see it. But I know it is there. I am scarred, both inside and out.
Today is my birthday. I am thinking about my life. I stand in the shower with my hand over my scar and I am thinking about how my children have marked me, inside and out. The process of bearing children has marked my body, with my scar from the c-section being the very least of it. I have been changed and marked in so many ways that I could never have anticipated. Like any woman who has gone through childbirth, regardless of the ease or difficulty, I have been transformed from the person I was before into a mother. I have been blessed to have these wondrous, annoying, frustrating and amazing little people brought into my life. If I had never had that c-section, I would still be marked. Like my mother before me, I am scarred, but maybe it was inevitable, and maybe it’s not so bad after all.
Image: Anna Kosali, Creative Commons
Image: Gilberto Santa Rosa, Creative Commons
I'm so sorry it was so traumatic for you. And happy that your little girl was okay. I know what irrational fears are like, I'm terrified of needles. I didn't want an epidural for that reason, and then I was in labour so long everyone was pushing me to have one. I ended up having two, and surviving okay. But it's definitely not fun to have to go through something you know you don't want.
Amazing post! Loved it!
happy birthday! thank you for sharing your story…it was amazing and courageous and brought tears to my eyes…
survivor of 3 C sections myself. granted …..first, he was 10 lbs. 8 oz. — so not that upset. but it was completely not my dreamy little lavender scented birth plan at all. And once the first one was done and over….there was no way I'd ever have the chance to give natural birth. they won't take the risk around these parts. so it is somewhat a divided victory; all my babies were born safe and perfectly healthy, yet, I kinda feel cheated regarding the whole birth experience. luckily, I healed okay…but my stomach muscles are destroyed! My fear is that I will look 5 months pregnant for the rest of my life! But what really gets me is when someone tells me I am sooo lucky…..I didn't have to do any work! That they actually WANT a C section rather than destroy their va-va-voom! Why anyone would want their stomach sliced open is beyond me.
Thanks for sharing. I'm so sorry to hear how your control over your labour experiences was taken from you. I find it odd when everyone says the choices are all yours, but when you're on the table in the most uncomfortable state possible, you, they all expect you to make these choices as quickly and easily as choosing what to have for lunch.I was very fortunate to have two positive labour experiences. For both (including the twins') the thought of having to have a cesarean never crossed my mind. Even though I was told that it's a greater possibility with the twins, I still never thought of it as an option. It's standard procedure to birth multiples in an OR in the event that a cesarean is needed, but my babies came the "natural" way 🙂 For #3, I was in a regular birthing room, but labour was so quick, we weren't in there for very long! I was also happy to be able to experience a drug free labour this time too. I had the epi for the twins (and was quite thankful for it when the dr had to reach in to "find" twin B!)I find it hard to believe that there are people out there that would rather have a cesarean. in my opinion, I think that would be more difficult than vaginal birth. I couldn't fathom having to recuperate from major surgery with a newborn baby in tow. My hat goes of to you for being able to accomplish that, and all the complications that came with it too. When I was 18 weeks pregnant with #3, I had an appendectomy which was painful enough. So when you feel your scar in the shower, just think of how brave you were to go through it all, and how strong you are for getting through it!
That was a very touching story and I too am sorry it was so traumatic for you. I can't believe they asked you on the table if you wanted your tubes tied. I wish they would stop asking. I'm almost having my third child and doctor asked when we planned c-section (for health and safety reasons) if I wanted tubes tied. I said and adamant NO. I understand it's easier to do if you are already open but I don't think when you are pregnant with a child is a good time to make a decision about not having more children.
That is terrible that you had to go through all that so that the drs could cover their backs! I'm glad that your little girl was just fine though. Happy birthday!
Happy Birthday! I'm sorry that was such a hard experience for you. xo
That is awful. I can't even imagine the terror you must have felt. I am so sorry you had to go through that.
This is the same thing that happened to my daughter but they almost lost her son because of it. I'm going to send her this post link so she can read it.I don't blame you for being upset.Thanks for your visit. Consider yourself stumbled.
Beautiful post. I had a c-section, too, and I had *never* been so scared. But I love, love, love your thoughts in the end about how a mother changes you from the inside out, anyway. Stumbled you back! :)-Becca
Thank you for sharing that! Stumbling you back!Rural Grace
Beautiful post! You are completely right that becoming a mother changes everything about you. I think we all bear some sort of scarring from the experience. Mine don't have any physical mark to represent them. I had several miscarriages during the time we were struggling to conceive our first child. It was devastating, but thankfully we got through it and are now blessed with 3 sons. Though 2 of my pregnancies were tough, I was fortunate enough to have very positive birth experiences with all 3 of them. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!Stumbled you back. 🙂 Visit Mickey
Wow! Rough experience, but happy birthday! Thanks for visiting me…I've stumbled you, too!
I'm so sorry, what a rough experience for you. 🙁
I stumbled your post – thanks for visiting my blog!
~Erika
Musings From a SAHM
Thank you for stumbling me at Reading with Joey. Stumbling you right back!!!~ Devonhttp://booksatthepaperhouse.blogspot.com/p/my-motivation.html
Stumbled. Please Stumble me back!http://stillblondeafteralltheseyears.com/2011/03/google-changes-its-algorithm-good-news-for-bloggers-with-great-original-content/I had 2 C-sections. Not by choice but I am so glad I did. I prefer it that way. Once I learned to move after my first, my second was a breeze. So sorry you had so many complications!
Wow. Amazing post.Stumbled! If you haven't already, I hope you link up again this week.http://kellysluckyyou.com/2011/03/stumble-tumble-tuesday-mar-29-2011/
I swear I didn't read this before posting my link. I'm so sorry your c-section was such a negative experience – I have the complete opposite feelings about mine, as you can see in my post! But the tubal ligation – I'm shocked they would rush you through a decision like that when you were obviously not in a rational frame of mind.Visiting from Bloggy Moms Writers Workshop 🙂
C-sections can cause incredible stress. I had 2 of them. The first one was because my baby was breech, the second was planned, but the reason was because my "pelvis was too small to birth a full size baby" especially since he was expected to be big due to GD as well. I love how it all ended on a positive note.I agree that the scars we have have changed us, almost always for the better. No matter what those scars are from.Stopping in from Bloggy Moms Writers Workshop.
I'm sorry your expeirence was not what you planned, but I applauad your ability to embrace the reality of it.I am so puzzled that the doctors offered/allowed you to sign the papers to get your tubes tied. Here the law is that you must be at least 21 and/or have 3 or more children. If you meet that criteria then you must go through counseling and sign paper work months ahead of time.In my case I had just turn 21 during my 3rd pregnancy and went through the process. The doctor on call (my birth was handled by a midwife) refused to tie my tubes and I had to find another dr to do it!Thank you for sharing your story!